![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
Well, I guess when I'm mentally stable AGAIN and my physical health is restored I will look for more places, though I don't see the point. Not that there isn't hope for another job, for that I have no doubt. I just don't see the point. We are moving soon anyway. Why get another job here just to have to leave it and find another one when we move into another place? I hate Newberg. Bleh. It's bad luck and people suck here. Well, not all... Just most.
While I'm spending most of my time at home, I will be looking at new apartments in Portland. So far have two in mind that are close enough to be able to look for jobs without a car. Most of it is walking distance which will be good for me. We will see how it turns out.
I'm also getting all the resources I need to get back in school, but this time for nursing. Two years isn't bad and I won't overdo it like last time. No more trying to overwhelm myself with schooling and working. I will have a part time job while going to school. I won't let it get too hard. Enough time to study and get things done for school. The working part will be just enough to help with rent and stuff. Well, and to save up to be able to pay off the loan I plan on getting. First I have to make sure I can get my high school scores and information from Nevada. I know who to get in contact with so it won't be that difficult. I'm excited to finally be doing something with my life. I'll be 20 in May so it's about time.
So I guess it's back to just being at home. I can do that I suppose. It's only a few more months. Then I am home free.
Well, now I am off to do whatever it is I do. Take pain pills and sleep.
I'm on morphine and percocet and neither one of them work for me. I have deep bruises down to my bones on my back, right arm, and left arm. All caused by my stupid ass. I'm trying to break something. So far no success. I am going to try one more time before I have to go back to work on Monday.
The reason for all of this is because something happened at work Saturday night with Manny. Let's just say Hannah thinks I should tell Robyn (boss of everyone) because it wasn't right. She thinks that I'm acting like a victim because I'm not doing anything about it. That's not the only reason I'm doing this though. I'm not going to explain the rest because it takes too long and I don't feel like going into it.
I'm hoping to break either my ancle or my left wrist... We will see. It probably won't work because my bones haven't broken from all that I've done to them.
My eating disorder hasn't been taking over since all of this happened. My blood work is really good and so are my vitals. The only thing that is running my actions would be my depression. That and my doctor left the clinic that I am with leaving me with no replacement. I've been trying to get in with someone else, but I can't. I have to wait until someone cancels their app. in order for me to be able to get in. I'm out of meds and I need an anti-depressant.
I hope everyone is well.
Things are going well here. My family isn't acting like the family I once lived with. It's kind of weird, but I like it so far. I'm just waiting for everything to hit the fan, but maybe it won't this time. That would be amazing.
I love seeing my dogs. I've missed them so much and my Deegan won't leave my side. It's kind of funny, but sad at the same time because I won't be here that long.
It feels weird not being at home. I know why I get depressed when I'm here and it's because I don't feel like I belong here and that something is missing. That something is Heather. It doesn't matter where I am as long as she is with me I feel wanted and loved. I know my family loves me and wants me here, but I don't feel the same around them.
Tomorrow I see Cameron. Oh how I've missed him. I'm spending the night with him and it's going to be great. I'm going to give him a back rub and he is going to hold me while we sleep. It's going to be nice. I don't like sleeping alone anymore now that I've gotten so used to having Heather by my side.
I don't really know what to do here. I should go to bed, but I'm not tired enough to fall asleep.
I cried today, but not because I miss my home. I ate dinner with my family and felt as if I gained 100lbs. Of course that isn't possible, but it's how I felt. I wanted it out of me so bad that I cried over it. I have never once cried over eating because I was always able to throw it up. If I even attempted to throw it up here everything would go down hill and I have no way to get away when all hell hits the fan.
Before I go to bed I'm going to run. I just don't know how long. My mom has a scale and I haven't caved and weighed myself. I don't think I will... Or at least I hope I won't get on it. It taunts me every time I go into the bathroom. I just want to throw it out the window or break it with a hammer. I hate it so much. Funny how it used to be the only thing I looked forward to in the morning, now it has become something I absolutely hate.
Well, I am going to aimlessly wander the house to find something to do by myself... Probably am going to fail miserably, but you never know. My brother might actually leave his friends to do something with me, but I doubt it. His friends are more important. Or at least that is how I feel. Especially because he said he would invite them over to play with if they weren't grounded. Nice Nathan. I leave Friday and that is all you think about. It's like he doesn't even have fun with me which isnt' true because we had a lot of fun today. We went bowling yesterday and today. My arm is killing me by the by, but we actually had a really good time. We were just goofing off, but I really enjoyed it.
Hope everyone is well.
Goodnight all my fellow readers.
I went to work last night and couldn't stop shaking and going through spasms of some sort. I didn't know what caused it and why it didn't stop, but it looked like I was having seizures back to back. I thought it might be, but I know what it feels like to have seizures and it felt like it... The only reason I knew it wasn't a seizure was because I had control of my mouth. When I have seizures from overdosing my tongue feels like it's swollen and I can't talk right.
When I walked in Carol was the first person to say Hi to me. She asked me why I was shaking and I told her I didn't know. She was asking me what I did all day and a lot of other questions I didn't want to answer. She grabbed my arm and wouldn't let me go. She walked me to the med room to talk with me and so I could sit down because I was basically falling on her. I couldn't control my body and my legs kept giving out on me. It wasn't good especially because she noticed. I was really hoping no one would.
She wanted to talk to Arlis (med aide) and I got really defensive and told her I was fine. She talked to her anyway and I wasn't allowed to listen. Arlis came to look at me and she was like I can see her shaking from here. Carol told her I wasn't in any condition to work and I told them I was fine over and over again, but no one was listening to me. Having three people looking at me like I was going to die was the last thing I was expecting. Having two of them hound me with questions was even worse.
They kept asking about my blood pressure and if I had issues with it. I know I don't and told them I would be in the hospital right now, but no one would cover my shift even if I asked. Carol said that wasn't true, but I know it was. She told me she was going to call Rosa (boss) and tell her about what was going on with me. I told them that I was fine and I just needed to drink an ensure that I brought. Carol asked me how old I was. I told her 19 and she freaked out about the ensure. She told me it was fake nutrients that didn't do anything and that people my age shouldn't be drinking them. I told her my therapist wants me to if I don't eat enough. Carol was like say that again. I didn't want to. I made the mistake of letting it slip out of my mouth so I knew I couldn't go back. I told her I had to take it if I don't eat enough. They kept looking at me and I couldn't get out of there because Carol wouldn't let go of me. I finally broke after one question they asked (don't remember what it was, but it got to me) so this is what I said, "Fine, secrets out of the bag, I have an eating disorder and am in therapy for it. This isn't eating disorder related and I just want to go to work. I'll be fine because I need the money." Carol grabbed my face to where I couldn't turn away and she was like, "You have to love yourself" blah blah blah. She kept telling Arlis that I can't work in my "condition" so they almost called Rosa, but Manna walked in and they stopped saying stuff. Arlis told him to go change or something so we could finish the discussion, if you could even call it that. When I supposed to be working we got two calls from residents and I was going to do my job, but Carol wouldn't let me go. I told her I needed to get to work and she said, "No, you don't. You can't work." I was getting frustrated more than I have ever with this lady. She knows I cut because when I had the splint on my arm she pulled up my sleeve and looked at my arms. She was like gasp you're a cutter. I told her I used to be a long time ago.
Finally when I was about to slip away she grabbed me again and was like you need to be a mother to yourself. I turned and straight out said, "I don't have a mother anymore." She had the nerve to say, "Well, now you do. I have two girls that are past teenagers now and I raised them right and I have two more girls going to be teenagers. I'm sure I know what I'm doing." Finally she let me go to grab something on the counter and I left. I had to go back because I forgot gloves, keys and the pager. They were talking about me and when I walked in they all shut their mouths. What I didn't know is that Carol went to Manny and said he had to call Rosa and send me home when she found a replacement.
After all of that was done, 120 was being a bitch to me. After that I was done. I was so infuriated it wasn't even funny. I walked out of her room and went in the dinning room where Heather was and just flat out told her what was going on. I walked to the bathroom while talking to her. Before I shut the bathroom door I told her I really wished I had a razor blade right now. She stood with her foot in the door and I told her that it doesn't matter anymore. I want to fucking make it stop. I told her today already got off on the wrong start how is the rest of the day going to be.
I have to see Carol when I walk in to work again tonight after I go for a run first of course. If I am shaking as bad as last night I think I'll lose this job. It's bad enough I almost passed out and if that happened Manny would have to call 911 and I would lose my job anyway. I told him the only reason that I put up with this shit is because Heather and I need the money to be okay. That's the only fucking reason or I would have walked out when Carol pulled that shit. I know she told Rosa. Now, Carol, Arlis, Rosa, Robyn, Manny, Kara, and who ever else got the gosip on me knows about either my eating disorder or my cutting if not both.
I'm fucking up...
I would be staying longer, but I have to work Friday night through Tuesday morning so I don't really have that much time for anything.
I should be sleeping right now, but obviously I'm not. I walked home this morning from work and am exhausted, but I don't care. I have until 10pm to sleep and tomorrow since I'm off.
That's about it.
Last week was really rough. I thought I was going to lose my therapist and Heather. That would have killed me, but as you see I am still alive. I shouldn't be, but I guess I get lucky. Last week I was extremely suicidle and went to the hospital to get checked out. As usual they didn't hold me. Before I went to the hospital Heather and I got tattoos, I paid.
I lost sight of my goals in life and I was in a really bad spot which is nothing new. I took too many of my medication and wasn't eating. Blah blah blah.
Now I'm good. I found my goals again and realized that even if I say I want to die, I really don't. I don't want to be sick anymore. I want a life and a damn good one. I want to help people in Africa. Heather and I have a way to get there by a friend in Rwanda. We just need the money so we are going to try charities who support what we want to do.
I'm only 19, but the plans I have are going to happen because it's what I want... Not what anyone else wants for me. I've wasted my life doing what others want me to do and lost sight of who I am. Not anymore.
I started eating again and am trying to get back on track. It's going to be a hard process, but I have my supporters.
I would write so much about what I'm thinking and feeling just to inform all of you, but all I can say is that none of it is good.
Anyway, I'm basically ruining my life and destroying all hope I once had.
I no longer feel close to anyone. Not even Hannah or Heather. I've become trapped inside my mind and there isn't a way to ease it this time because I'm not allowed to tell anyone except Hannah and that's only once a week. I have so much built up it isn't funny.
I guess you will hear from me whenever, but this whole not talking about things is just making me worse.
I feel like I have to watch what I say. I don't know what is allowed and what isn't. Hannah made a new rule for me. I am not allowed to talk about my eating disorder anymore unless it is with her. I feel like I have to hide things and I hate that. Especially when it comes to hiding things with Heather.
So from now on I won't talk about how I am doing with eating or not eating.
My depression has gone up a lot. Like this huge feeling of wanting to die. Oh wait, I don't think that is allowed either. Shit...
I don't know what to say. I want to stop talking unless I absoluely have to. I'm seriously considering it. Just become mute until I have to talk to a resident at work. If I deside that not talking is better than hiding things I am not going to talk tomorrow except for work. There, if that isn't allowed too fucking bad.
I have to call my doctor in a week and tell him that my depression has increased significantly. I don't want to tell him because if it is medication caused then he might take me off of them. I need these. Maybe I can hide things from him too. I don't know. I know I can't hide things from him. It's not okay. Hannah would be mad. She mentioned that what I was saying in session wasn't like me. She said she didn't recognize this side of me and she didn't like it. She said a lot about it and told me why it didn't sound like me. I know I haven't been myself lately, but what she said made me realize that I really am not acting like myself anymore. I told her about abuse, crossed boundaries, my mom and some other stuff. I told her it didn't matter and she got mad at that.
I just feel like this huge mess. I know things are changing with me, but I didn't think it was that bad until Hannah said something. I don't think I'm going to talk for a while. I don't know. I'm waiting for a reply from Hannah to see if that is okay or not. We will see. I'm not going to post for a while. Sorry guys.
( struggling... )
Well I think that is enough for one entry.
I noticed that I was getting really sick again when I was throwing up last week and my nose started bleeding really bad. It did it again today. I think I'm going to pass out. I never thought I would get this sick again.
Working tonight is going to be really hard for me. If I do end up passing out I will get really pale while my nose starts bleeding then I hit the ground. I am hoping that won't happen, but staying up as long as I have to is going to be really rough on my body.
Wish me luck.
I'm manic and I get to see Hannah tomorrow. With how I've been acting lately, she might just be taken aback and not know what to say.
I got the job at the retirement home and start tomorrow at 10pm to 6am.
I haven't really been eating so I wonder how it's going to go.
I'm actually sticking up for myself and I don't feel like myself, but it's really funny. Or at least it is for Heather. I'm being completely honest with everyone and I don't care if it gets me introuble. I hurt David's feelings by telling him I don't care what choices he makes and he shouldn't care what I say (not that I would). I told him not to bother asking me my opinion on whether or not I will get mad if some random girl bites him. I could care less. I have bigger things to worry about. Plus we are not together so why the hell does he think I care?
Haha, well just wanted to let you all know that I have a job.
Take care.
Love you.
Edit--- Well Hannah cancelled so that ruins everything I had planned out to tell her.
I'm extremely tired today and I have so much paper work to read and go over before I go to work tonight. I honestly don't know how I'm going to stay awake or keep myself from passing out.
I'm getting another cold which isn't helping me wake up at all. It's just draining all energy I have. It hurts to stand or move. Ugh.
In a way I guess I'm excited, but more worried than anything because I don't know if my body can handle this. I'm going to make it work though because I'm the only one working right now. 8 hours of training. This is going to suck. I'm losing my voice so I'm hoping I don't have to talk that much to anyone.
If I finish my reading before I have to leave I'm going to try and get some sleep. I've never had a graveyard shift before. It's going to throw off my whole system. Oh well.
I've cut off all ties with the people I once knew in Nevada except for my family and the one friend that I hold dear to my heart. No one else seemed to care which doesn't suprise me.
Cheri called me last night and sounded very disappointed with my relapse. She thinks I'm giving up and I told her I just have a lot going on right now that I can't deal with. She said I should get back to whatever I was doing before she called. I haven't heard from her since. I told Heather I shouldn't mind losing people since that's all I have ever known. I really thought she was different though. Truth is, I'm tired of feeling like I'm being abandoned. I want people outside of Heather and Hannah to stay.
I felt like I was going to black out again yesterday, but was smart enough to slow down and just rest before that happened. I told Hannah that my eating disorder is kicking my ass and I don't have the strength to fight back right now.
I have to keep hoping that one day things are going to be okay. I'm tired of people walking out of my life when I really want them to stay.
After all of this stuff is done with Chad I'm going to take a nice warm bath to get my body temperature up. I naturally have low body temperature, but not this low. Well, Heather and I do anything to keep Chad from knowing about our cats. Even if that means getting sick again for how ever long.
I just hope he hurrys up because it's going to be my turn to sit out there again so Heather can go to class. Then I will be in there until she either gets back at three or when I know he came and left... It's going to be a long morning.
Don't worry Toben. :) I'm staying.
Now if you all will excuse me I'm getting ready to black out again for the second time today. Sometimes I really wish I never started having an eating disorder.
Take care everyone.
If you care to know how I'm doing just email me and if you don't know what that is ask and I will give it to you.
Some thing happened and things are not going well. I'm basically breaking any ties I have to my past and everything bad that has happened in this life.
I'm tired of being depressed so I'm starting over.
I won't talk about what happened except to Hannah and Heather.
I'm sorry for having depressing posts...
Thank you for everyone who read my stuff even if it wasn't the easiest to read sometimes.
I do hope to hear from one person in particular, but if not I won't be surprised. I'm not worth much if anything.
Take are everyone. I am going to delete this in two days. That gives enough time for people to read this and write anything if they care to.
Love,
Kelsey
Not being able to see Hannah is not going well with me. There is too much on my mind and I really need to talk to her. Just to be able to figure some things out. I have never missed a therapist as much as I miss her. She is like a mom that I never had, but always wished for. She knows me better than I know myself and she sees almost every side of me. She gives me great advice and right now I really need that.
I lost Cheri last night. She told me that we are still okay, but I haven't heard from her today and that is not like her. I know in my heart that I lost her and it hurts so bad. I'm tired of losing people because my dumb ass always has to be honest. Why the hell I can't just shut my mouth about the truth is beyond my understanding, but Hannah loves that about me. No matter what I always tell the truth... It might take a while, but I always come out with what is on my mind and it's never a lie.
Maybe my mom was right, maybe I do just hurt people and don't deserve anyone to stick around. I guess I always mess things up and in the end I will always be alone. So help me if I ever lose Heather I will, with no doubt in my mind, kill myself. Losing Cheri makes it hard enough to want to stay alive...
Hannah, please get better. I can't do this alone.
I wish I could tell you why, but trying to put it into words just makes it harder.
I know I'm still young and have my whole life ahead of me, but sometimes I think that no matter what I do or who I meet I'm never going to be able to be with that one person who I love everything about. Case and point, Cheri I don't think will ever break up with Beth and just confuses me a lot with what she says. Cameron has a girlfriend and is too far away, but I know he cares a lot about me. He tells me all the time how he wishes things were different. I have no regrets from moving up here, but I don't think it was the right idea asking David to live here. Especially because his little comment is still running through my head every day. The one where he said that I was eating again and it had only been the second time all day.
I told Cheri that I was going to work on my car tomorrow because it isn't working again and I said that I hope that it shocks the life out of me. Why I said that is beyond me, but I wish I hadn't. That's just how I've been feeling today. Tomorrow might be different. God I hope it's different.
I have an interview on Wednesday with a retirement home that hired Heather. If I get the job Heather and I will be working at the same place. I won't feel as bad sitting at home and being the "wife" and it might get my mind off of a lot. We will see if I get it on Wednesday. I'm just going to have to walk there every time I'm working because my stupid car doesn't like me. Ugh...
Even if my mom tells me not to come in April, I'm going to make it down there for Nathan's birthday. I wouldn't miss my brother's birthday for anything. He wants me there so bad and I won't disappoint him like my mom always does.
Why am I someone else for everyone? Why can't I just resemble me for once? Why is it that I am never the one people are thinking of when I want them to be thinking about me? I don't understand why I can't just be me for them. When I'm kissing someone I'm not me to them, I'm the person they want to be kissing instead of me. It's like with Cheri, she doesn't know what she wants so I feel like she's playing around with me.
This is not fun anymore. I don't want to represent anyone but myself. That is it, no one else. Don't you get it? I'm just me, no one else!!!
I just don't know what is real anymore.
I told her I was good (even though I'm am relapsing very very badly).
I asked her if I could maybe come down for my brother's 15th birthday. I miss him so very much along with my family, dogs and my very good friend Cameron. I want to see them so bad and have been depressed over it for some time.
She told me that it was easy and a good idea so she is going to get me there and let me stay a week, then get me back home. This is my home. Nevada is just a place I once lived.
I am going to miss Heather, Hannah and Cheri so much, but it's not like I'm going to stay there. It's not like I'm staying too long, but I wish Heather would go with me. I really do. Being away from her for a week is going to be so hard. I hate it when she is gone for class or work. This time it will be me leaving. I don't want to leave because I don't want to be away from her, but I really want to see my brother for his birthday. I think it would make him really happy to see me. He told me that he missed me so much and wanted to hug me and have it like old times. I felt bad because I moved so far away and left him there, but I was doing it to better myself and he knew that. He knew that this move would be good for me. Sure I've had some bad times, but I wouldn't change any of it because Heather was right there with me every time.
I have until April to make sure things are going to be okay while I'm gone.
Please let everything go okay while I'm away...
I don't know why, but I feel uncomfortable every time he touches me, every time he kisses me, and every time he stands behind me. I don't like it when he comes down stairs when Heather leaves, but when she is here he hides in his room. I don't understand why he texts me instead of talking especially when he is right next to me.
I want to walk to Heather's work right now, just to get out of the house.
Things are going to be okay, but I won't change who I am just because he yearns for my attention. I will not give my body to him. I give my body to no one unless it is my choice.
I don't trust many people... In fact I trust four people who have shown me that I can trust them. Heather, Hannah, Cheri, and Cameron.
If it wasn't windy, rainy and cold outside I would leave, but I don't think it's a good idea considering I'm still sick.
I'm going to watch a movie or something.... Maybe lock myself in the bathroom while taking a bath... Hmmm, don't know yet.
